Taking it All In.

So we've started this new thing at our house. Actually, it's only been two weeks, so I'm not sure I can technically call it a thing, but I want it to be one. Maybe you've heard of it?

Sunday Night Dinner.

Yup, I just capitalized it all... as if it is it's own restaurant or something. Because it is... at my house on Sunday night. Mondays tend to hit us all hard and after much discussion between Jeff and I, we decided we needed a better transition. Maybe it's me who needs a transition, but either way, it's good for everyone when momma is relaxed, am I right?

So Sunday Night Dinner it is.

Last night was our second night. We had flank steak tacos, bacon wrapped dates and a cucumber + tomato salad along with chips and our favorite salsa. We set the table outside to enjoy the fruits of our labor from our weekend work. I love to cook, so it is important to me that the smells, sounds and warmth of the kitchen be a part of the whole thing.

Cooking dinner with three kids running down isn't the easiest. It's not the easiest with ONE running around. I have little eyes and noses trying to check out what I'm making to make sure it's to their liking. There are constant questions happening as to when it will be ready, what's in the salad and what can they have to drink. Is dessert going to be available if they eat well? Can they have a snack? I mean, come on y'all... let me cook dinner!

So last night, I put on my cooking playlist and made a plate of snacks for those who were waiting patiently. I had hummus, carrots, salami and almonds out.... so I didn't think they'd eat much to be honest... they were more for Jeff and I.

I noticed something by doing this, y'all... everyone ended up in the kitchen. No t.v. was on, just the music and all of our voices breaking through the chopping and sizzling that was happening. Jeff sat down and chatted with me as he snacked on the food and the kids came in and out grabbing stuff off of the plate.

I was standing at the stove checking my steak and almost tripped over a plastic tupperware that Landry had gotten out. I hastily kicked it to the side - most likely annoyed that I have to pick it up yet again. And then God whispered to me, "Soak it in, Becky. The noises, the toys, the hustle, the laughter... just take it all in, My daughter. It's not like this for long." This was not one of the almost-audible voices, but a very gentle nudging in my soul that came from nowhere... from God.

Soak it all in. 

It's a birthday week in our house so I'm a little more sentimental than normal. I have F I V E more years until I have a smelly teenage boy running through this house. That means I have exactly TWO seconds until he starts to hate us and be embarrassed of us, right? That is not long.

It's so cliche, and I hate it when grandmothers at the grocery store tell me this, but it really does go by fast. I tend to not be super sentimental, because I want to be deeply present in today. The hustle and bustle of the week - and even the weekend - tries to take me away from being attentive to today. The busy tries to steal my moments one by one and throw them into eternity, never to be seen again. But this week I will be intentional about being present in my moments.

That means setting my phone down often. That means turning the news off when I'm done watching it... it doesn't need to be my background noise. That means looking at my kids in the eyes and telling them how much I love them and letting that soak down into their little souls. That means kissing my husband - for real - before He goes to work.

It means letting the little mess ups and petty arguments do nothing to me, but moving on and taking it in stride. It means letting my kids be little, make a mess and teach them to clean it up. (I'm not crazy, y'all). It means noticing the little things in my moments... the sights, the smells, the sounds. The things that will stick in my mind years to come.

And that's why Sunday Night Dinner.

It's a marker that we are a family and God has placed us all together today. I hope that it serves as a reminder that this is where our loyalty lies... this is where our home is set. Together. Not in our house, not in our friends, not even in our dear community. But in each other, deeply rooted in our faith. I picture heavy discussions happening here. I picture family arguments happening here, tears being shed and burdens being carried. I picture laughter, hand holding and prayer happening here. I picture our family being strengthened, lessons being learned and people feeling known here.

My hope for Sunday Night Dinner is that it's something we look forward to more than not. That it's something done with intention and helps to solidify our family of five. A time in the week that grounds us and roots us together in Him.

No matter what happens during the week, or what is going to happen during the next week, my hope is to make a place for us all to take a deep breath, settle our souls and gear up for battle together.

The days are long, but the years are short. We only have this life once... and we only have our kids at home for such a little while. No matter how hard today is... and I know it can be H A R D... let's soak it all in for what it is...

Today.

we're back.

if you follow me over on instagram, you know that i just recently went on an almost-week-long vacay with my hubbs. no kids, no friends. just me + the hubbs. 

and it was glorious. 

we had been planning on one and dreaming of one for years months. it just hasn't been a good time to happen. but in january, i saw this article in southern living about charleston and it took my breath away and i emailed the hubbs and said, "this is it. we're going here. as soon as we can." 

there was some slight hesitation from him... i mean, what's in charleston, right? but once i told him about fort sumter and all of the history {revolutionary wars + civil wars, etc} he was totally down to go. 

i will talk more about charleston next week. {i'll probably talk about it for a long time, quite honestly} but i just felt compelled to share a little something here about taking time away. 

i've been in a little bit of a funk for a while lately. not the kind that is a few weeks longs but the kind that is months on end. seemingly out of nowhere, draining me of all energy and joy and laughter. it's been quite sad, actually. because it's not a deep depression feeling. i had that after b. was born and i know what that "cloak of sadness" feels like that you can't shake. the kind that you literally cannot make yourself get happy.

that's not where i've been. 

it's been months - really since the beginning of october - since i've felt like myself. i haven't been able to pinpoint it and yes, there's been some really ugly circumstances in the midst of those months that were understandably sad, but it was more than that. 

and i haven't been able to step out of it. i've had fun days and i've definitely found myself to be "happy" many times over the course of these months for sure.... it's just an overwhelming general feel of "funkiness".

do you feel me? have you been there? 

so let me tell you something. 

it was so good for me to step out of my normal, everyday life and reflect. i have been doing a lot of reflecting here - in the midst of the mundane - but the responsibility and the weight has never lifted so i could get a truly clear perspective. 

but in the getting away, i was totally able to. it hit me like a ton of bricks one morning while i was enjoying my coffee with both hands + reading in my Jesus calling: 

"I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strenght. come to Me for nurture. let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in Me." 

He knows. He is enough. He knows that i'm drained of strength. He knows.

and that was it. tears started to stream everywhere and i just laid it all down. my hurts and my feelings and my worries. all of it. i wrote it down on paper and asked Him to replace it all with His joy. {note: not happiness}. 

i recognize now that i was in a habitual pattern of negative self talk. i see it so clearly now. there was a trigger that, i think, was legitimate yes. but it sent me into a very vulnerable place. and then the sad stuff happened that took me on a roller coaster all the way through the new year. and the negative self talk started to compound. i started to read into everything anyone said to me or about me. i felt judged, alone and unworthy of anyone's friendship or love. 

and it was all because i told myself that. 

no one said terrible things to me or about me. no one. but i turned words and actions into "they hate me, they don't understand me, i'm a terrible friend, i am a horrible mom...." when that is not what was happening. {i mean, i don't really know what "they" meant but i'm pretty dang sure it wasn't what i was thinking.} 

i had turned into this sensitive, cynical and bitter person that i didn't recognize when i looked in the mirror; one that i certainly wouldn't want to be friends with and one that i can say now, with freedom, that i didn't like. 

 but there IS freedom, sweet friends. grace. mercy. and i am SO thankful that the Lord allowed me to recognize this in myself during our time away. that He has whispered to me that He can break me of these chains that i've allowed to stay thick within me for so long. it might be an uphill battle for a while - taking every thought captive - but with His strength i will be victorious. what an awesome God we serve. 

if you're in a funk i encourage you to find an avenue to step away - even for a bit. to refresh your spirit and to spend some time with Jesus without the weight of everyday on you. i know it's hard - believe me. i can't imagine how hard it is for single moms and those who don't have family that are willing to help. but i'd bet that a friend or two would love to help out for two or three days for you to step away and lighten up your heart. 

on resting well.

have you hopped on the "word of the year" train? where you pick a word that is your challenge or goal or vision for the year?

i chose a word a while ago. back in my crazy december that was all sorts of messed up and different.

rest.

in 2014 i want to learn to rest well.

sounds kinda lazy, doesn't? kind of apathetic. and less than triumphant. less than exhilirating, right?

but let me tell you.... i truly think my life is hinging on this. learning to rest well.

most of the time - especially in the last several years - i am known to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off - OR laying on the couch vegging out in front of a real housewives of beverly hills marathon.

i have two extremes in my life. i've realized i am not great {good at all, really} with time management. so more often than not, i don't have my stuff together. i'm working on school projects the morning they're due {that has happened TWICE this school year already, no lie - and my son is in KINDERGARTEN, y'all}, i generally have loads of unfolded {and sometimes unwashed} laundry scattered all over the house, i don't have a meal plan, and my studio is always piled to the brim with projects & ideas left undone.

it stresses me out. all. the. time. i have some sort of feeling of pressure/anxiety almost all of the time.

so what do i do? i avoid it. like the plague. and i sit in front of the t.v. like it's not happening. i ignore.

but that's not resting, y'all.

that's called being lazy.

and i'm really good at that. really, i am.

but that's exactly the opposite of what i'm seeing as my goal for this year.

i want to learn how to rest. to let my mind relax. to take deep breaths in the middle of this crazy life and feel NO GUILT or pressure or anxiety or stress and sit down with my cup of tea and REST. to slow down and let God be God and the rest fall into place.

"come to me, all who are weary & heavy-laden and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you & learn from me for I am gentle & humble in heart & you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy & my burden is light." {matthew 11:28-30}

see? it's biblical.

heck, God even created a WHOLE DAY for rest.

and i've come to realize that rest is VITAL to have a full & fruitful life of contentment and joy. otherwise i am frazzled, irritable, stressed and just flat out not fun to be around.

and this year i've already taken steps in the last few weeks to rectify the situation.

i'll share my new discoveries on rest for the weary tomorrow. stay tuned.

what's your word for 2014? do you have one?

do you rest well? do you have any tips you'd like to share? i am open to ANY suggestions and opinions. i'm excited for what rest will mean for myself & my family this year.