Thursday, May 1, 2014

we're back.

if you follow me over on instagram, you know that i just recently went on an almost-week-long vacay with my hubbs. no kids, no friends. just me + the hubbs. 

and it was glorious. 

we had been planning on one and dreaming of one for years months. it just hasn't been a good time to happen. but in january, i saw this article in southern living about charleston and it took my breath away and i emailed the hubbs and said, "this is it. we're going here. as soon as we can." 

there was some slight hesitation from him... i mean, what's in charleston, right? but once i told him about fort sumter and all of the history {revolutionary wars + civil wars, etc} he was totally down to go. 

i will talk more about charleston next week. {i'll probably talk about it for a long time, quite honestly} but i just felt compelled to share a little something here about taking time away. 

i've been in a little bit of a funk for a while lately. not the kind that is a few weeks longs but the kind that is months on end. seemingly out of nowhere, draining me of all energy and joy and laughter. it's been quite sad, actually. because it's not a deep depression feeling. i had that after b. was born and i know what that "cloak of sadness" feels like that you can't shake. the kind that you literally cannot make yourself get happy.

that's not where i've been. 

it's been months - really since the beginning of october - since i've felt like myself. i haven't been able to pinpoint it and yes, there's been some really ugly circumstances in the midst of those months that were understandably sad, but it was more than that. 

and i haven't been able to step out of it. i've had fun days and i've definitely found myself to be "happy" many times over the course of these months for sure.... it's just an overwhelming general feel of "funkiness".

do you feel me? have you been there? 

so let me tell you something. 

it was so good for me to step out of my normal, everyday life and reflect. i have been doing a lot of reflecting here - in the midst of the mundane - but the responsibility and the weight has never lifted so i could get a truly clear perspective. 

but in the getting away, i was totally able to. it hit me like a ton of bricks one morning while i was enjoying my coffee with both hands + reading in my Jesus calling

"I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strenght. come to Me for nurture. let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in Me." 

He knows. He is enough. He knows that i'm drained of strength. He knows.

and that was it. tears started to stream everywhere and i just laid it all down. my hurts and my feelings and my worries. all of it. i wrote it down on paper and asked Him to replace it all with His joy. {note: not happiness}. 

i recognize now that i was in a habitual pattern of negative self talk. i see it so clearly now. there was a trigger that, i think, was legitimate yes. but it sent me into a very vulnerable place. and then the sad stuff happened that took me on a roller coaster all the way through the new year. and the negative self talk started to compound. i started to read into everything anyone said to me or about me. i felt judged, alone and unworthy of anyone's friendship or love. 

and it was all because i told myself that. 

no one said terrible things to me or about me. no one. but i turned words and actions into "they hate me, they don't understand me, i'm a terrible friend, i am a horrible mom...." when that is not what was happening. {i mean, i don't really know what "they" meant but i'm pretty dang sure it wasn't what i was thinking.} 

i had turned into this sensitive, cynical and bitter person that i didn't recognize when i looked in the mirror; one that i certainly wouldn't want to be friends with and one that i can say now, with freedom, that i didn't like. 

 but there IS freedom, sweet friends. grace. mercy. and i am SO thankful that the Lord allowed me to recognize this in myself during our time away. that He has whispered to me that He can break me of these chains that i've allowed to stay thick within me for so long. it might be an uphill battle for a while - taking every thought captive - but with His strength i will be victorious. what an awesome God we serve

if you're in a funk i encourage you to find an avenue to step away - even for a bit. to refresh your spirit and to spend some time with Jesus without the weight of everyday on you. i know it's hard - believe me. i can't imagine how hard it is for single moms and those who don't have family that are willing to help. but i'd bet that a friend or two would love to help out for two or three days for you to step away and lighten up your heart. 

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