Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Choosing to feel.

God was super gracious to Jeff and I years ago when He called us to completely turn our life upside down and run for office. He made our particular leap extra clear so I have never questioned if we are in the right place, and after experiencing that clarity, I assume that God will make it just as clear when we need to move on from this place as well. As a result, the peace that sits down deep inside my soul dealing with our "life choices" is easy to come by most days.

However, it's the being fully present part of life that is freakin' scary to me some days. It's the embracing life for what it is part. The admitting that this is not just a season part. This is my life. This is the train that I am on... and, I have to admit that even with the hard days, it's a good one.

The roller coaster of any life choice is one with steep hills and large falls. On a roller coaster the falls are the fun part and the climbs are the boring part. For our particular journey, I think the climbs are the most rewarding and the falls are the scariest. It's never that I'm concerned I won't survive the ride, because I know I will. I know that God is sovereign and I am so thankful that He chose us for this ride. But you know that feeling when your stomach jumps into your chest when you go down that first drop? I don't like that feeling all that much - even though I love the thrill of roller coasters. It's as if, I've made the decision to get on the roller coaster, but am determined not to feel that drop in my stomach so I hold my breath. As a result though, the roller coaster isn't as much fun as it used to be when I let myself feel. Feeling your stomach drop is part of the thrill - part of the experience. The feeling is thrilling.

God prompted me earlier this year that I haven't been doing much of that lately.

In an attempt to protect myself from the sad feelings that are definitely a big part of our journey, I have become numb. This succeeds in preventing feelings of sadness, but it also prevents me from feeling all the best parts too. Prevents me from celebrating the hard earned victories, from rejoicing in the fruits of our labor together. Numbness also prevents me from fighting for justice and letting my heart ache for the people that we are fighting for.

I've decided that I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to feel. I want to feel all the things. All the emotions. Jesus came so that we would have life, and have it abundantly. I would think that part of the abundant life is to have an abundance of emotions... to be highly aware of Jesus, his love for us and others and to be broken for His people. Jesus wept for his friend Lazarus. David says there is a season for everything. So let's stop being afraid of our feelings and let Jesus be our comforter, healer, encourager and friend.

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