Thursday, April 30, 2015

Finding my Voice.



Over a year ago, God told me to write. It was very clear but not very specific. This comes after several years of having a family-ish blog that I LOVED writing. I felt connected with people who read it, I felt like my words could make someone on the other side of the screen laugh or even roll their eyes or say "me too!" It felt authentic and real and just down-right good for me. Then the campaign happened, and we {really I} felt that it was best to take that blog down and censor any future posts, pictures, etc. All for the protection of our family, of course, however in the process, the pure love of writing was taken away from me.

My husband, my biggest cheerleader, knowing that I wildly loved writing, had often encouraged me to get back into it - as have a few other people close to me. It's not even the writing that I loved - I was horrible in my English classes all throughout school - but it's the process of feeling and connecting with others that I loved. God all but spoke to me {not audibly y'all, but almost} and said to start writing again. I was sitting at our table on the patio at night and I vividly remember saying "about what?" and the response continued to be "just start writing."

If I'm being honest, I now feel like I've lost my voice. In the censorship of my words, I have lost motivation and, honestly, the ability to write. Words don't flow out as easily as they once did. I don't know how to write what isn't on my heart. I don't know how to pour out something that isn't what I'm living in right here and now. I don't know how to not say my husband and I aren't getting along today, or how to not say I can't believe some of the ugly things people can say about Jeff or our family. I don't know how to not say mind your own business when people continuously ask questions in conversations that are, simply, none of their business. I certainly don't know how to actually share opinions and thoughts and feelings that are expressly mine and not my husbands, but might be construed as such.

Life was an open book for me. I am an open book with people I know and where I feel safe... and I'm not so sure that publicly writing is safe. But, God has told me to write and what I desire most is to take the steps to be obedient, despite an overwhelming fear that people will reject me. Despite the fear that someone will take a blurb of what I write and use it against my husband - in or out of context. Despite the fear that there are so many writers out there today that there might be no room for me. Despite that I feel like people might say "who does she thinks he is?"

I have no idea where this blog will go. I have no idea what I will write about and what I will or won't say. I desire to be vulnerable - I don't know how to write without that element - but I also want to be respectful of my husband's position and protective of our family.

So please, bear with me as I find my voice again.... as I learn to write, trying to not censor myself, but also attempting to be thoughtful in my words. Inevitably I will offend someone, and I'm sorry for that in advance - but please know that I respect your opinion, so I would ask that you respect mine. I know that every person who writes wants their words to mean something... and I am no different. I want my words to leap off the page + connect with someone - anyone. I appreciate you allowing me to be purposeful with my words, and thank you for taking time to read them. They are an act of obedience, worship + sacrifice to my God and I'm thankful for the opportunity each time I write to offer something up for the Lord.

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