Thursday, August 29, 2013

on pause.

the Lord has been doing strange things in my life the last few years.

He takes me somewhere. and then says, "oh by the way, you're going to do _____" too. 

like when He said when the hubbs was traveling all the time, "oh - you're going to go to africa."

okay, cool. 

"oh - and by the way - you're not going to raise any money."

okay. how am i going to go?

"you know that business i put on your heart? yeah. that. it's going to pay your way."

um. okay. since at that point i had made all of $1,000 or something in total.

but He did it.

He's faithful like that. always

i've never seen Him forsake anyone. even when it might seem like that on the outside, it's never that way on the "inside". in the end He has a purpose. a greater one than we can see.

and now there's this new thing.

and i don't exactly know what to do with it. 

over the past year, 5 - let's count that F I V E - different people have told me the same thing about myself. 

something that i should do. 
look into. 
something they "see me doing" - whatever that means.

at first i blew it off. especially when it was my husband. several years ago. 

yeah, yeah. whatevs.

and then other people told me. at various times. over the past year. each time blowing it off as nothing. it never stayed on the forefront of my heart like those things sometimes do.

until this week.

and it's stuck.

and i'm confused. and i feel almost defeated. 
like, 'why haven't i seen this?' kind of defeated. 

and i've been praying about it. 

Lord, i'm confused. i don't understand. do You want me to abandon what i'm doing? have i not been listening? i don't think that's it.... but i want to be willing... but surely You aren't telling me... are You telling me.....? but why would You do that? is this from You or is this selfish? is this a coincidence...........

and so on and so on and so on.

and i've been in a downward spiral about it. 

i've found myself to be exhausted. 

like, seriously. physically exhausted from this mental whirlwind.

but this morning i had an epiphany. 

yes, i pause to spend time with Him. it fills me up for sure. no question. it gets me through my day.


i'm not talking with Him.

i'm talking at Him.


"Lord. what do You want me to do?"


"no, seriously. i want to go where You lead me - even if it doesn't make sense right now. so what is it?"


long pause.

and you know what?

He told me. 


in three words - that i might share here later - He told me. my next step. like it was right in front of me the whole time but i wasn't really listening.

and all of those voices of not being good enough were silenced. 

in that very moment.

so i encourage you today. to not only talk to Him. 

but to pause. 

He just might have something to tell you today. 


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