Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Blog is Back!

Hi. My name is Becky and I used to blog.

Like, a LOT.

I took time to write things down… funny things that happened during the day, struggles I was working through, or even embarrassing stories I had. And funnily enough - people actually read it. Can y’all believe that? It was crazy… but that was life at the time.

And then life happened and we had this radical shift. I felt as if I needed to close myself off from the rest of the world. Close myself off from the endless scrutiny that a political campaign can have (obviously… have you turned on the news at all?) No one told me to do it, but I felt like it was my only option… I was blinded by fear of other people’s opinions. It was (and is) a valid concern, of course, but it was one that I should have been able to see past but couldn’t.

I didn’t know this at the time, but writing had slowly become a part of me… a part of who I was. It had become an outlet for how I think and feel and read. If you’re a writer, you know what I mean. My thoughts now come as if I were writing something down now, not just “normal” thoughts. It just sort of happened over time, I’m guessing.

I had no idea that it had become such a part of who I was until I stopped. Cold turkey.

I’ve shared before that about two years ago as I was feeling extremely lost, the Lord told me to pick up writing again. I thought “YES! I WILL WRITE A BLOG AGAIN!” and started to try to make up posts. I’m not saying that it wasn’t sincere, y’all… but my voice had changed. It had cracks from being silent for so long… it had a slight tremble to it that wasn’t there before… a nervousness that wreaked of “what if I don’t fit in now?” And it s u c k e d. Let’s just all be honest here - I can, and it’s my blog, so YOU can too.

It was forced. It has been forced. It hasn’t been a natural outpouring of words that used to come to me (and are coming to me right now). It was a slightly-censored-but-trying-to-be-vulnerable-anyway voice that worried about fitting into the right “niche” of blogging.

Am I lifestyle blog? No.

Am I a spiritual blog? Not really all that either.

Am I a pretty pictures and inspiration blog? Nope.

What about a foodie blog? No… even though I love food.

Oh - and that crafty and let’s make stuff and sell stuff together kind of blog? Don’t really fit their either!

I don't fit anywhere, y'all!

I’ve been reading the First 5 app every morning and we are studying Exodus right now. (Get the app, now. It’s so good… and it’s FREE!) I’ve noticed that time after time Moses tells God how inadequate he is, as if God doesn’t already know that, right? He makes excuse after excuse after excuse as to why God should choose someone else - not him - for the job. From a 10,000 foot view, we can all see that Moses was equipped beyond anyone else for the job of going to Pharaoh and demanding him to let God’s people free. But I imagine myself being in Moses’s shoes and being stuck in that moment.

It must have seemed impossible. Even though God is speaking through a freakin’ burning bush directly to him, Moses continued to say “please choose someone else”. (My paraphrase, y’all.)

And that’s what I feel like I’ve been doing here.

I preach to others so much about letting God be enough… letting His will be enough to fill you up and allow you to trust Him. And here I am, making excuses as to why I can’t get my stuff together to write on a dinky little blog for all the world to see.

“But I don’t fit into a ‘blog category’, God.”

“What if they don’t like me, Lord?”

“But sometimes I want to write about Africa and then two days later write about grilled chicken. Real bloggers don’t do that, God.”

“What if no one reads my words?”

“But I don’t want to offend anyone.”

“What if they think I’m whiney or judgmental or a complete disaster?”

 Or the worst - “What if they actually think I have it all together?”

The thing is…. I don’t fit. There are lots of little pieces of my life that I haven’t figured out where they go yet. It’s like those obscure pieces in a jigsaw puzzle that you’re positive go to a different puzzle and are in there by mistake. But they belong and in the end, when you’re almost through, you finally figure out where they go. That feeling of “I’ve been looking all over for that piece!” sets in and a wave of relief and fulfillment fills your heart. I’m not there yet. I’m still trying to remind myself that all my pieces are intended to be in this same puzzle!

I’m a wife and mom. Sister and friend. My husband is an attorney but serves in public office… which also makes me a politician’s wife (which is such an ugly term). I write and create and paint and sell… but I have a hard time labeling myself as an artist. But I guess 2016 can be the year that I start owning that term. I lead a bible study that I feel incredibly ill-equipped to lead, but feel called to. I travel with friends. I have broken relationships and ones that God has began to lovingly restore. I fail every single day with my children. I love to cook good food but hate to fight with my kids over how many bites they have to take to get dessert. (The struggle is real, y’all). Most days I feel lacking but some days I end feeling full of the freedom of His grace and those are the best days.

My intention is to share ALL the different pieces here. You won’t find just one thing and I won’t fit into just one category… I hope that’s okay. Honestly, I bet you don’t just fit into one category either. That’s what makes God so awesome, right?

I hope you like it here and I hope you stay a while… but it’s also okay if you don’t. It might sting a little, but I’ve been writing for an Audience of One for a while now and will continue to do so until He tells me to go elsewhere. I’ll see you back here tomorrow for a little spiritual food, if you’ll have me!

P.S. I also like to talk back, so if you have any questions for me, bring it on! I’d love to chat about it!

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