Do you ever feel like you sound like a broken record? Gosh, I sure do.
I say “Landry, give me the remote” 100 times a day. No lie. Or “Stop touching each other” or “Be kind! Why can’t you just be freakin’ kind?” over and over again. Or how about, “do you not see the dishwasher right next to the sink?”
It’s enough to drive a woman crazy and I know you’ve probably been right there with me.
I’ve recently been feeling like a broken record in my spiritual life. I come to God with the same struggles over and over again. The same things I’ve been battling with for years. Unbelief, fear, bitterness, unworthiness, loneliness and so on. And I have found that I have no room for grace for myself. NONE.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t completely grasp the entirety and vastness of His love for me. That’s the bottom line. His love for me is so much greater than I could ever understand.
But because I don’t understand, I struggle. I go around and around with Him asking for forgiveness and then turning right back around and doing the same thing a week or two later.
I asked a mentor recently “when will I get it?” I’m so tired of not getting it, aren’t you? I’m so tired of living in a place of no mercy, and not only feeling badly for what it is I struggle with, but also feeling badly THAT I struggle! It’s a never ending cycle!
That’s when my “aha!” moment happened.
I will always struggle. I will never get it all the way. And as frustrating is that is, God has shown me, in His beautiful mercy, that the struggle is not only real, but normal - and maybe, even, expected!
I have found myself studying the Old Testament this year. First in Exodus, then Habakkuk (don’t ask) and now I’m in Numbers. I’ve often wondered how it’s all relevant to me. How are these stories applicable to my life right now?
Then I realized, I am Israel.
His beloved Israel did the same thing that I do over and over again. I read about them and wonder how they can forget the faithfulness of God who rescued them from slavery? Or how they question His ways after they saw an entire sea part for them? And why would they wonder where God is when He showed up for them tangibly every single day in the form of manna and a pillar of dust or of fire? It seems ridiculous.
But that’s who I am. I all too often forget what He’s promised me. I forget His faithfulness yesterday, last week and last year. I question His ways. I question the waiting. His purposes. And then I feel guilty for doing so, repent and then come back.
It’s the same cycle.
Israel disobeyed, there would be judgement and then they would cry out for Him. He would rescue them. They would love + praise Him. Then they would turn around (seemingly quickly) and disobey again. The cycle begins again.
In His beautiful grace, He has whispered through these old testament stories to me :: “Becky, don’t you get it? They are my chosen people and I continue to rescue them over and over and over again. Yes there might be consequences, but I will never expect them to be perfect and guess what… I still LOVE them! Don’t you see how I love YOU in the same way? You are chosen too!”
We are chosen, my friends, but often we live like we are forgotten. We have freedom under the shadow of His wings, but we grieve our struggles as if they are a surprise to Him. He loves us - no matter WHAT - but we walk as if we are un-loveable. We treat ourselves worse that we treat anyone else but God wants us to rest IN Him, not from Him.
We don’t deserve His grace, but He has given it to us because He loves us that much. Why don’t we set out to act chosen today instead of forgotten... free instead of guilty? I think that might affect my day way more than I give it credit for, don’t you?
Action Steps for Today //
1. Reflect on His faithfulness instead of your unworthiness. There is a time for repentance, but today choose to rest in His grace instead of rehashing your guilt.
2. Pray to feel His love today. Christianity is rarely about feelings or how we feel, right? Mostly, it's a choice to live a certain way, to tune into Him and to trust when it seems hopeless. But when we feel loved, it's so much easier to make choices that follow after Him! Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you today into His love and into the feeling of being loved by the Almighty! The difference that will make in your day is insurmountable!
“For you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of the Light.” Ephesians 5:8
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own posession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9
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